I Hate It When I Do Stupid Things

Everyone does stupid things. I think I do the dumbest stupid things. Which seems to inevitably  to slowing me down for periods of time.

This morning I performed stellar acrobatics and completed a triple lutz followed by a quadruple axel. No actually, I was admiring a beautiful piece of wood and my bifocals allowed me not to be able to see the edge of the red stained chairs. The result is I went down three steps and landed on my newly-operated-on-knee, elbow, and transformed a pair of capris into a pair of shorts (hemming now required). It doesn't help that my other knee doesn't have an ACL and likes to give way - which I think it did duirng this spectacle.

I told the shop owner that I would not sue and I also would not inform my orthopedic surgeon. He also gave me some ice.

I came home and put ice on my knee and lay down for a while. But my knee and elbow are definitely sore. That means I get to sit down on my butt for a few days and be lazy (lazier than normal). I tried walking around a bit on my knee and it is weight bearing but it is definitely sore and requires more ice and elevation. I hope to rest for a couple of days and then go back to the store, return the ice pack, and finally get a good look at the amazing hand crafted furniture.

My husband gave me a hard time about how I can't be trusted to go anywhere. sometimes I think he might be right. (No, I didn't say he was right, I said sometimes he might be right.) There is a difference.

The real thing is most people do stupid things but I am more 'fragile' than everyone else and its really hard to limp on bth knees.....

But I really hate it when I do stupid things.

Recovering

Today is Monday. On Saturday, I probably know I did too much. Sunday I was tired and lay down for two hours in the afternoon. Last night I slept for 12 hours. I will attempt to pretend to be normal today but who knows how I will feel.

One of the many wondrous things about me and my health is that even if I do something bad (meaning over doing things) one day, it doesn't mean I can recover in one day. Its often a couple of days to recover.

I have plans for today and hope to make it through them. Especially since my 88 year old mother will be with us and I should think I have more energy than her. Life isn't fair sometimes.

Beware the Horoscope

I don't usually believe my horoscope. I don't read it very much either. Sometimes I take a glance at it as I go through the paper. But today's horoscope I saw and read it and am concerned:

"You could feel out of sorts. Generally, the month before your birthday you might feel a little down. Often people look at their past year and wonder whether their next year could be as meaningful or better. Today's eclipse could cause fatigue. Tonight: Know when to say "no.""

And I am concerned: 'Today's eclipse could cause fatigue.'

Yesterday I was so tired I skipped my knitting group and didn't leave the house really. I took a nap too. If I am more tired tonight than I was last night I could be in trouble here. 

I think I need to stop reading my horoscope because I could get fatigued.

Planning Through My Life

My life is very structured. I never just drop anything and go do something else. Why? Because I have everything planned. There is only so much I can do in a day - which is about a tenth of what a normal person can do.

In the big picture, I go to the gym three days a week. The gym is near the hospital which contains my doctors. All doctor appointments are scheduled on gym days. The gym is also near my hair dresser and manicurist. Again, those appointments are scheduled on gym days. And no gym day can contain more than one thing plus the gym because I can't.

On the days I don't go to the gym, I do things that go in directions that are not near the gym. Again, I only do two things in one day. Thursdays I go to my knitting group and then I might do one other thing.

My husband claims I should only do one thing each day. Personally I think I can do two things. And it depends on how you count things. Somethings don't count. If I go to the gym and then stop at the library for ten minutes, I call that one thing. I left the house and came back once. Will I go back out again? Maybe, maybe not. But I probably will cook dinner too. That's my second thing. Some days I am too tired to cook dinner.

I plan what I want to do. Some days I can't even do what is planned. Those days I rest so I can pretend I will move my plans until the next day. Sometimes my plans go up in smoke and never happen. On the 'up' side, I get to watch my fair share of 'quality' TV on Lifetime, HGTV, Food Network, Animal Planet, and more.

As my health has tanked, my spontaneity has evaporated. So I plan and pretend I am doing everything I want in life. But we all know that is not the case.

Coping

Sometimes people say to me 'I don't know how you do it' meaning 'how do I live with dilapidated body'. (I prefer dilapidated to defective, damaged, or other terms.) Well, sometimes I don't know  how I do it either. But I do k now somethings.

Life with chronic illness is not something done alone.

• I have a team of doctors. All my doctors are at the same hospital so they can talk to me and about me. I appreciate it when they do ask questions of each other about my conditions because my medical history is complicated and involves several specialists.
• I have a 'team' of friends who try to understand my ailments as much as I try to understand theirs. If you don't have ailments, you don't get my life. (I do have friends who are healthy but they do not always understand.) These are the people you call when the doctor says 'but we need more tests to see what is going on here' or 'here's another sucky diagnosis'. Together we can figure out how significant the new issue is. There's nothing like having a friend on the other end of the phone who is googling away to help interpret the latest news.
• I have a 'team' of online resources. These range from specific websites to secret groups on Facebook where we can share our ailments without being found by family members before we are ready to share or just to b*tch about the latest news. One website for chronic illnesses I have found which is awesome for me is The Mighty. This is my current favorite. There are others for when my mood changes.

My point is I could not cope with this alone. I need emotional support to deal with this. I also know my emotional side is just as important as my physical side. Physical issues result in emotional issues such as anxiety, depression, stress, and more. I know I have to treat both so as not to implode. 

Yes there are days when I wake up and wonder how will I cope today. But I have learned to reach out. I have learned to say no. I have learned to be proactive in my care to speak up or take a day or afternoon for myself - the proverbial 'mental health' day to give myself a break. 

This is how I cope. 

In Pain

I was having a good day. But not any more. I mean I did have a good day. I did a bunch of things I wanted to do. I took it easy. I warped my loom. I did some knitting. I went on a couple of errands. We had dinner. This is bad.

In addition to my 'chronic' ailments I have a bad back. I mean a really bad back. It started with degenerating disks in my lower back (L4-5, L6-7 or something like that) and then I found out I had a bone spur in my neck (C4 I think?). Finally, I have desiccated disks at bra strap height - whatever that is in medical terms but its T something.

I usually do okay because of all my meds. But today it is bad. I went out and did some weeding and called Boots (the good cat). I came in without Boots and ZDpot (the bad cat) tried to run out. I grabbed him. And it was bad. I couldn't sit up long enough to watch Jeopardy.

My doctor told me no ice on my back. But its summer and I really don't want a heating pad. And it all hurts. And really sucks. (Consider me honest). I'm not sure I can sleep tonight (alcohol isn't helping either).

If anyone has advice, I would appreciate it. I am open for suggestions. I have a really good pain management team. I can get an appointment to see them. But that is not a long term solution - go to the dr, get an appointment for some nasty injections in my back, and then feel better for a while. I would prefer to be healthy for a while ever.

Okay, I'm cranky. I am in a lot of pain. I can barely turn my neck to the right - which is the direction to the TV in the bedroom. I had to go to months of PT a couple of years ago for my neck.

Honestly, I want a magic wand to wave over me and make everything stop hurting for good. But I am whining.

What Is A Chronic Illness?

So I blog about chronic ailments but what are they really? Medicinenet defines them as:

"A chronic disease is one lasting 3 months or more, by the definition of the U.S.National Center for Health Statistics. Chronic diseases generally cannot be prevented by vaccines or cured by medication, nor do they just disappear."

I saw another definition which defined them as one lasting a year or more. (But it doesn't really matter because they all suck.)

Just to be clear an 'acute' ailment will appear and leave. A 'terminal' ailment does you in.

Once you get a chronic illness, you are screwed. Cancer is now treated more as a chronic ailment than a terminal one - if it doesn't do you in at first and you get through treatment, you are monitored for the rest of your life. So if I count those in, I have four chronic ailments. Plus my bad back - it fits the definition of chronic ailments but I'm not sure it is really considered one.

Having chronic illnesses means you have to alter your life and lifestyle permanently. It can be very frustrating, depressing, anxiety inducing, and down right stressful. The emotional strain of having a chronic illness can actually be the worst part.

As always, your emotional side is just as important your physical side. If you wake up on a 'bad day', you just erase your calendar for a couple of days so you can take care of yourself somehow. And that lunch date that you were really waiting for is out the window. Bummer. An emotional let down - something fun that you wanted to do is gone. And so the emotional roller coaster takes a nose dive, again.

And you wonder why so many people with chronic illnesses are often taking anti-depressants. Along with a million other medications. I have three drawers full of prescription bottles that I dig through weekly to fill my pill box - the kind with a big compartment for morning and evening.

Anyway, having a chronic illness or four can just suck.